Why hello there... what's a nice NFL fan like you doing in a place like this? What's that? You'd like all of the NFL expert picks from Week 14 on one page, compared for your delight? Well let me see what we can do...

BUT WAIT! THERE'S MORE. Your annual subscription of $0 also gets you this FREE occasional series of things that annoy me about football. Terms and conditions apply, if you read one article we're coming for your whole family etc. That's actually a pretty big list, so be prepared.

Without further ado, pride of place, A1 on the list of things that would prompt a list such as this...

1: The 2013 TNF Theme

Wait what? You wanted a serious list?

I tuned in to week one's clash between Baltimore and Denver full of excitement. What did the 2013 season have in store for us? How could it top last year's thriller? My word, I was in the mood for some football. I had beer and food and... well, lets just say I was more than happy to spend the evening in the company of 106 angry gentlemen who wished to redress some private grudges in a bloodthirsty struggle for dominance.

Or something...

Anyway, so I switch NFL Network on and behold the musical genocide that is Thursday Night Football's new theme tune. It started badly, tailed off at the end and frankly, the less said about the middle, the better. In the video, Indian former Miss World (true story, THANKS WIKIPEDIA) Priyanka Chopra sings her smash hit (_citation very much needed here?) 'In My City' _on a flashy CGI set left over from the TRON remake. Everything about this video is bizarre, in fact I just need to emphasise that I would find it kind of funny in any other context, but as the opening to America's favorite manly past-time? Hilarious.

Let's gloss over Priyanka's delightful turtle-neck one-piece leotard. Obviously we've all tried to find one, but I'll be damned if I can get it in my size. I've tried just stapling a pair of briefs to a roll-neck sweater, but it doesn't look right. Whatever though, we're not going into it alright?

Have you ever thought that nailing someone's shoes to the floor and then throwing objects at them would make them dance really well? No? Well you clearly don't have the creative nous of the NFLN team behind 'In My City'. Chopra also does a convincing mime impression of someone lifting one end of a chest freezer, and then one of those head wiggles that makes it seem like she learned how to dance only as a sidetrack to a pro boxing career.

But forget all of that. Yes the look of it is dire, but it could easily pass for any 2000's era prime time football theme. What's really bad is the song itself...

The music... OH DEAR GOD THE MUSIC! It's like a euro-disco explosion! Seriously, what bugs me most is not that it's a dance tune, but that it sounds like something from a kids disco. You can picture Priyanka at one of those weird pageants, as a 4 year old miming to the sanitised lyrics while a horde of adoring-slash-completely-mental mothers glare angrily at their offspring, willing them to be as cute and adorable as little Priya.

As for the lyrics? Well, I kind of thought that the first week, they were using the whole 'In my City' thing because of the furore/kerfuffle/brouhaha over Joe Flacco being used to advertise the game at Mile High. How wrong I was. Probably the point where I started to laugh most was when Sam Bradford introduced the world to St. Louis. This is a guy whose career has been mediocre at best, whose long term future is up in the air, and yet here are NFLN acting like he welcomes visitors personally at the Gateway Arch.

How will NFLN market this Thursday's version of 'In My City?' It's actually one of the only reasons to tune into what promises to be an utterly forgettable matchup between Jacksonville and Houston. Amusingly, we could be treated to Chad Henne or Maurice Jones-Drew -neither of whom figure to be around in Jacksonville next year - introducing the Jaguars - who figure to not be in Jacksonville in the next few years - in an uncomfortable way, while some disco beat bops out and a polo-necked girl tries to escape after some villagers sacrifice her to King Kong.

'Hi I'm Chad Henne and this is MY city. oh come right i...'

Just so long as it's not Blaine Gabbert...

So yeah... Let's get this changed NFL Network. You're a niche channel dedicated primarily to football, you're linked to NFL Films, arguably the greatest visual scene-setters of the last century in any sport whatsoever, so there's no excuse. You have this awesome luxury of not having to accommodate people who don't like football or trying to provide a rundown of what's coming up next on FOX etc...

You could produce a tour de force of brutal hits, special moments and emotional rollercoasters that would leave your audience breathless (although I'm sure Priyanka has that effect on more than a few of your audience...) and worked up to fever pitch at the thought of another Henne three-and-out. Instead you give us this.

Good grief.

Hate the TNF theme too? Got a suggestion for something you want to change about the NFL? Disagree and secretly dance like a Jersey Shore extra every Thursday? Feel free to drop us a comment below. Alternatively, follow us on Twitter for more analysis of expert picks and NFL related musings.